Wednesday, September 4, 2013

4 Years

4 years can be so long, and so short at the same time.  So what can happen in just 4 years?

We sold our house

We bought & moved to a new house

We celebrated 10 yrs of marriage

We watched my baby sister get married

Beautiful new baby cousins, arrived on the same day

We took a 9 hour plan ride to Ukraine to request permission to meet a sweet little 6 1/2 year old girl

A third sweet new baby girl cousin

We met that little girl (the same day that the above baby was born), and started visiting with her everyday

We lived in half of that tiny house, in this complex for a month, on the other side of the world
We went to court and asked to become a family of 4

We were granted our adoption request, and we sprung that beautiful girl, made her a part of our family and brought her home.

My baby boy graduated from high school

We traveled to the East Coast for an Arbadeewoo reunion, where we of course had vehicle trouble

We brought a sweet, grumpy 2 month old foster baby home

My baby sister bought her own home

We had a Schwab family reunion

Aunti lost her angel Amie, before we got to know her :(

We had another baby girl with us for a few fun months

Our Baby Boy passed away :'(

Chloee had a visit with her biological family for her first birthday
We lost our Hades too :'(

And then we lost Athena too :'(

We requested permission to adopt Chloee

The girls got a new kitten for their birthdays

We started to provide respite for one of the littles on my knee

Chloee smiled, sat, played, engaged, and made happy sounds!!!!

I FINALLY went to an Alpaca farm :)

Emily completed a book report

We adopted Chloee!!! :)

Emily & Krystina were part of a ballet recital

Finally celebrated a Solstice with a mini festival
Emily graduated from Kindergarten

We celebrated another year of Arbadeewoo (Barrett 2013)

And we returned to the East Coast to visit with those who were not able to make it to Ontario for Arbadeewoo

Of course there were many birthdays, and other holidays, a few other weddings, and sadly a few other funerals.  It has been a very busy go, go, go , don't stop past 4 years.  BUT none of that has stopped me from thinking at least once a day about how you never lived at this house with us.  And that house we sold, I go out of my way to drive past it every month or so because I remember how that was the last place that I ever held you in my arms.
And it doesn't change the fact that with every baby that is born, I remember when you were born.
And the entire time that we were working towards our adoption of Miss K, and while we were there working to bring her home, I never forgot about when we used to talk about adopting a brother or sister for you, and how it would always make you smile.  And when we were on our way to court and the song "Dancing Queen" came on, and I felt like you were with us, giving us your blessing.

And seeing my Michael all grown up, remembering how little he was when he held you.

 And you can't drive past Amhurst and not think about how we broke down and got stuck there.  How miserable everyone was, and how you screamed at me until I went and bought a fan to blow directly on you and only you.

Losing my Baby Boy hurt huge.  He was always my rock, I know so weird, but he was who I came home and cried to when Daddy was at the hospital with you.  He was the one I whispered my fears to, when I dare not say them in human ears.  And then to lose Hades and Athena too.  All of my babies were gone.  You were all babies together, and now, I don't have any of you.  There are no words.
Going to the hospital to be with babies, when they're getting tests done, or when they're ill.  How can I walk into Mount Sinai or Sick Kids and not think of you?

Now we are working with many of the same therapist and specialist.  It's nice to reconnect with them, but it always make all of us think of you.

Emily graduating from Kindergarten, and starting Grade One, reminds me of when you went off to school.  I was nervous and scared, and you LOVED Kindergarten :)

And I definatly am not able to go to an Arbadeewoo reunion without thinking about your last reunion, just a few short weeks before you left us.  You were so happy and alert.  You got to visit with everyone and it was lovely.

And then, when we were at the cemetary on Sunday, we found tons of tiny mushroom clumps, and a small "fairy ring".  Which started all sorts of conversations.  Not only about you, but about Great Grandma and Great Poppa too.  Which brought on a whole new level of greif to the day. 

You were the answer to my life's dreams.  A sweet tiny baby of my own.  You made me a Momma.  I dreamed for you for many years, and you came to me, as soon as I was ready.  You left me way before I was ready to let you go.  I think of and dream of you often still, only there is no coming back, there is no dreams come true anymore.  I don't know how it's possibly, but daily living seems to get easier everyday, yet somehow I miss you more and more each day.  Love you always <3 p="">