Thursday, March 10, 2011

My Two Missing Girls

Ten years ago today, right this moment actually I know EXACTLY where I was.  I was lying in a hospital bed in downtown Toronto waiting.  Of course I had my mother, my in laws, my sister and her boyfriend, and my sister in law and her husband, and of course my wonderful husband standing close by.  At that point I was just shy of 42 weeks pregnant, and waiting.  After many days and weeks of wondering when the baby would come, when we would get to find out if we had a little Destiny or a little Nathan, when I would finally become an actual mother for the first time, when I would be handed a child that I was being blessed with the honour of raising...  That wait quickly turned to scared wonder of why the baby wasn't coming.  Was I not worthy enough, did the baby decide that it didn't want me to be their mother after all...  Very silly I know, but did I mention that I did go almost 2 full weeks overdue?  And now, we had just lived the week of hell.  Being told things like our baby wasn't going to survive, or our baby was going to be severely disabled, and that my home birth plans were now out the window, and that I needed to go to a doctor who I didn't know or trust, that I need to have a c section or risk hurting my baby even more....

And right about now, 3 hours late, the nurse finally came down to my room and told me that they were ready for me.  That it was time for them to finally deliver my baby.  More scared then I had EVER been in my whole life, I walked down the hall with this stranger, in order to find out what my future would hold.  What felt like a VERY long story, but was actually only a short time later I was waking up to the sounds of a strange voice telling me how well I did, and that I had a daughter, and that she had 6 fingers on each hand, and did I know where I was, and my little sister giggling at me in the background (Nice Rox, thanks...that's what I remember).  Understandably I was disoriented.  I had never had anything medical procedure more then a yearly physical, and now after no sleep for a week, I was waking up from surgery being told my baby had 6 fingers and did I know where I was.  But I still remember every moment of it.

I remember not wanting to wake up, the drug induced sleep was good, and I was tired.  I remember the horrible pain as I was waking up and was transferred from the one gurney to the bed.  And I remember the group of professionals surrounding an incubator, looking at me, not sure if they should go down the hall or come into the recovery room.  Thankfully they came in to recovery and said, "Mrs. Beamish, this is your daughter, congratulations."  Then they reached in and brought her out for me.  The lay her in my arms, with their hands in the way, and allow me one quick glance and kiss, then they whisked her away to the NICU.  My husband, the awesome father that he has been since the moment he knew we were expecting, went off with them to keep an eye on his new treasure, and my Mum stayed with me.  After I was set up in my room, and everyone had gone home, hubby continued to run back and forth between his girls to make sure we were both alright.  When he came back to the room to sleep for the night he brought me back a gift.  My new daughter's nurse had taken a photo of her for me, since I couldn't be with her.  It was then, and has continued to be one of my most treasured possessions.  The photo was really the first good look that I got of my baby.  Miss Destiny Elizabeth Ann Beamish was born on March 10, 2001 at 12:08 am weighing 4 lbs 8 oz, and was a tiny 16 inches long.  It was 18 hours before I got to see her again, they were horrible long and lonely hours.  To have your baby no longer safely within you, and to not have her safely in your arms is a very lonely and sad thing.  And about 12 hrs after that, I finally got to go down to the NICU and meet my baby.

You have to understand, all I have EVER wanted in this life is to be a Mum.  Now, I finally was.  The nurse handed me this little tiny package, wrapped up so tight, with lead everywhere and an NG tube up her nose (which she kept trying to pull out), and told me to nurse my baby.  It was not really the imagine that I had always carried, but it certainly was the moment that I had been dreaming of.  Having my daughter snuggle her tiny little head into my chest, close her special little hand tightly around my finger, loving me, and being completely content to be in my arms - well, words just don't touch how perfect that is.  I was in love with her, but I had always been in love with her.  Just now I knew who I was in love with.

I can't believe that was 10 yrs ago.  How the time just goes so very fast.  And now, we are experiencing her birthday, without her for the second time.  Two birthdays she has not been with us...  How is that even possible?  Some days I feel like an entire lifetime ago, a totally different world, but most days I jump up at some point thinking "Crap, how did I forget her meds?"  Or we hear phantom pumps beeping, when no pump has ever beeped in this house.  There is a whole in my heart, and my life where my first born daughter lives.  I miss her more then words could ever even come close to expressing. 

I am so grateful for every moment that we had with our angel.  I would never trade it for anything.  Two years ago my Bubba turned 8 yrs old.  She had not been well, and it was the first time that I didn't start planing a birthday party for her ahead of time.  We were all exhausted, and I didn't want to rent out the pool if she wasn't going to enjoy it.  At the last minute we invited everyone up for turkey dinner.  Destiny has a GREAT day.  She was so very awake, alert and responsive to everyone (she had a habit of sleeping through all holidays and most birthdays), and in response everyone took the time to connect with her as well.  I would even go as far to say that it was her best birthday ever :)  And now, today, it is her 10th birthday.  They always told us that she would never see this day, and we never believed them.

So, it's my Bubba's birthday today, and I don't get to hold her, and tell her how much I love her, and how she keeps proving everyone wrong, and how proud of her I am, and thank you so much for picking me to be your Momma, and Happy Birthday.  There is a pc of my heart missing, my daughter is missing.

And to top it all off, her sister is missing too.  Our princess from Eastern Europe.  The one that we dreamed about together for so many years.  The one that is finally on her way home to us.  When we started this adoption process to bring Miss K home, I NEVER though that this day would come and I would still be sitting on my couch at home waiting...  missing 2 of my 3 girls, while the 3rd constantly asks when the other two will come home to us.

Please keep our family in your thoughts today.  Think of my beautiful Destiny as I do, dancing,smiling and happy in a meadow full of daisy with beautiful wings on her back.  And of K, fitting in at her new location, knowing in her heart that we are coming for her, that somewhere out here she is thought of and loved so very much.  And for us, that our happy imagine of Destiny will brighten our hearts, and that K's country will issue us an appointment date soon, so that all of my family that can be together, will be together.  As I know that Destiny watches over us and her sisters, and wishes for us to feel whole as well.  She is very wise, and taught us much.  I will never be able to have my family complete and in my home, but I can have them complete and in my heart.

Happy Birthday Bubba!!!!!  Momma love you :)


  1. Last night when I read this poem I had no idea that I would be posting it to your blog, I had no idea how pained your heart would be today. I hope you can feel me hugging you. I would be right there next to you if I could.
    God saw you getting tired
    and a cure was not to be.
    So He put His arms around you and whispered 'Come with me.'
    With tearful eyes we watched as you passed away
    Though we love you dearly, we could not make you stay.
    A golden heart stopped beating, hard-working hands at rest.
    God broke our hearts to prove to us He only takes the best

    Much love always,

  2. Oh Sara, I cannot imagine. :( I'm sorry that you're having such a rough day today. Happy birthday to your precious angel girl!

    (I've never realized how much Kameron looks like you until I've seen these last pictures.)

  3. What a beautiful post Sara! I hope K will be home soon!

  4. Thank you for such and honest and heartfelt post.

  5. This is beautiful Sara. You are a wonderful writer.


  6. Such a beautiful post - to honor your beautiful girl. Wishing you a seamless rest of the journey to K.